Day 319 Sept.1 2011

In the past few days I've gotten what seems like a rush of compliments on how well I live life.  I'm by no means complaining.  It's great to have the support from the friends and family that I have.  I don't think I'd be getting these comments if I didn't have them.  But it got me thinking.  Why now?  Is it deployment related? Is it that Caitlin has made it to her 18 month mark without any permanent damage?  Is it just the circle of friends I've surrounded myself in?  My reflections today didn't answer any of those questions, I'm not so sure there are answers to those questions.  It's probably more likely a combination of all of them.

Sadly, I find myself trying to explain away these compliments to those that give them.  "Oh, it's not really me, Caitlin's a great kid" or "What else would I do with all of my free time?" or "It's really not that hard to do."  Why, I don't know.  I've always been bad at accepting a compliment, I  know that and I can't explain why.  I do always believe what I say in response to these compliments.  Caitlin is an incredibly easy kid 90% of the time, and I do have a ridiculous amount of free that I can try things and redo them and fail miserably until I get it to work.  I think it's that not many people see these failures.  And that is because I don't dwell on them.  If it doesn't work, then I'm done with it,  I move on.  I change a parameter and move on, it's quite simple.  No one notices that 5 min of disaster because I didn't broadcast it.  I think that's going to be one of the most important life lessons I try to pass on to Bug.  Don't dwell on the failures and disappointments.  It's okay to acknowledge them and embrace them and learn from them.  Just don't dwell.  Use.

I didn't used to be this graceful in this life.  I was a scared, timid and quick-to-hide baby Army Wife (remember my story about my commissary fears).  The first thing I thought of was the transition a caterpillar makes.  Every new situation we encounter in life requires us to cocoon for some period of time.  Our environment (or ourselves) has changed, we have to pause and adjust.  Some of us cocoon for a long time, some of us don't.  Some of us are able to flap our wings twice to dry them and take off in flight like it's something we've been doing forever, some falter and flutter a few times before it sets in.  Some people aren't meant to be butterflies at all, and they have to struggle through until they reach the next transition (and no, I'm not being as morbid as death.  Imagine a butterfly could cocoon and transform back into a caterpillar, or a whole different insect for that matter).  I think you get my point.  Not everyone shines at the same point in life, it's okay to not shine all of the time.

The best part about this whole thought process, was that I saw a moth afterward...:)