This whole process of removing photos from Facebook has granted me the opportunity to walk back though time. I never really looked at those photos until now. Looking back almost 10 years and remembering vividly that night at the bar when I threw my arms around my best friends' shoulders and smiled from the bottom of my heart because we were carefree, we weren't in fear of our lives, we had submitted that 12 page paper and didn't care what grade we got, we couldn't really afford a round of shots, but we knew we'd figure it out. Just a flood of memories that seem so recent. I've been through a lot of really specific and unique situations (some of them exceptionally awful) that only a handful of people can relate to, but I still have not been touched by as much as I could have been (I feel like I've led a rather sheltered - not in a bad way - life). When my Grandma died she was over 90. 90 years of life - of memories - of images - of stories - sounds - smells. That always used to blow my mind, changes like the automobile, what life was like in the 30s when she grew up, the great depression, and then what the world is now. No wonder she shuddered every time I tried to show her a picture on my phone.
These thoughts just seem to be overwhelming today. Does everyone else see this? Is this a "phase" in life that everyone comes to? Mom, Dad, did you guys go through this? Get to this realization of what is really out in the world, that war and evil and fear existed, but you just never saw it before? Or has the world just gotten really ugly in the last 5 years? I guess the best way to go about this is to really live in the moment. Or at least appreciate the moment. I don't do that enough. I spend hours planning for events or looking back at what we did and paid for to balance the budget and I never think about the very moment. I hate making food, because I know I'm going to be back at the kitchen counter washing and cleaning in order to prep and make more food in 3 hours from now. I feel like food making is a vicious cycle, and it is. It's supposed to be - otherwise we'd die. Instead of grumbling about the next meal before what I've made is even ready to eat, I need to bring myself back to that meal I'm working on.
Man, it's only 10am and this is where my brain is functioning...I'm either at my peak and I'm going to be mush for the rest of the day, or this is just the beginning and it's just going to get ridiculous by the end of the day...either way, I'm not sure I'm looking forward to 12 hours from now!
...........
Made it to the end of the day and my thoughts didn't spiral too far out of control. They never seemed to wander far from this topic that seemed to weigh heavily on me this morning. But I also feel like I'm missing something. There's a reason my mind can't let this go, and I'm not sure why, I'm sure it will hit me like a 2x4 when the time is right. I got to wrap up the night after teaching a class down in North Pole with the friend that watched the kiddos for me. Instead of rushing off to get home and get to bed, I sat down and we all watched the last half of Frozen and I got to eat pizza. It was relaxing and pleasant and much needed.
The only picture I took today was for an event I'm planning. See even after specifically thinking about it this morning, I rolled right into more planning for the future. I mean, I really like it. I think I'm good at it. But too much of anything isn't good (even if the thing itself is good), I know that. Always learning. Always working to be better!
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