Day 364 Oct.16 2011

Brunch as a family this morning!  Well, we drove there and sat down as a family.  I got Caitlin food while Chad sat with her, then Chad got food.  Then I got food when Chad got back, and because I chose to wait in the slowest omelet line in the world, he was done eating by the time I got back with my food (Caitlin was pretty much done too).  So I ate while the other two watched me.  Eh, what are you going to do?  At least we all get to sit in the same room!

So we're on Day 4 of life back together.  I think I over prepared myself. I don't want to say I prepared for the worst, but I prepared for something similar.  It all is just a swirl of surreal and comfortable.  Everything feels so normal (like I mentioned before-like he never left), but the other half of me still insist on screaming at me that he was gone, and this isn't normal.  Remember the post about having an argument with myself?  This could be a repeat post...

I'm not sure what to name each side or portion of me that is doing the arguing.  And this time there's more than 2 sides.  Please don't report me to a psychiatrist...I swear, I'm sane.  I have the:

1) "Happy elated, everything is great, don't think about anything but Caitlin and Chad" portion
2) "Tread gently, always alert, ready for something to jump out of the bushes and go wrong" portion
3) "Do what you need to do for you, you can't love others if you don't care for yourself" portion

I'm seeing three egos here, one focused on my family, one focused on being prepared, and one focused on self preservation.  I've always had these three egos, I think, but it's just a matter of which one is running the show.  For the last year, it was the third.  I had me to focus on, I ran the house, I made all of the decisions about when to leave, what to do first, etc.  Prior to the deployment, this third portion was pretty weak.  What this deployment did for me was to bring out this third ego and learn how to manipulate and focus the 2nd ego.  I'm now looking at all three of these portions of myself screaming to take the wheel.  I'm going to need to develop a 4th that will act as manager and chauffeur apparently.

It's all about balance, right?  No one said reintegration is easy.  Maybe my 4th ego can be my husband...he's pretty good about keeping me honest and on track.  It would keep my mind a little less crowded :)