Day 193 Apr.28 2011

is it normal to argue with yourself? and not just when you come to a fork in the road and you're faced with a tough decision, i mean on a regular basis...and i guess i'm not saying argue, like pick a fight over whos turn it is to wash the dishes.  it just seems that i more often than not, find myself having stepped outside of myself looking at whatever i'm doing and the external self thinking something that is contradictory to whatever the internal self is doing...and then there might be some kind of dialog between these two selfs about what is going on...shit, this sounds really crazy.  maybe an example will help refrain people from dialing 1-800-looneybin...

today was another ugh day.  i don't know why, but it was- nothing in particular happened that could have set me in this mood.  but i realized even with it being beautiful and sunny and somewhat cool out, i didn't care.  i didn't want to move from the couch.  this is the conversation that then followed:

external: what are you doing?  it's beautiful out, you have nothing planned, take your daughter into the back yard and blow bubbles
internal: fine.  but i won't enjoy it.

we did blow bubbles, it was nice to be outside, but then catilin started plucking my snapdragon blossoms.
back inside.

external: get off the couch.  your daughter is bored.  go get the mail.
internal: fine.  but i won't enjoy it.

we walked down to the mail box.  bug enjoyed herself.  the wind irritated me.  on the walk back to the house we had another conversation:

external: what about a bike ride?
internal: i'd have to go upstairs, change clothes, change bug's clothes, put sunblock on her, go back down stairs, pack a riding bag, grab the helmets and the house key, lock the front door, go through the garage and wrestle the bike from the baby toys, install child in seat, and then get on our way.  too much effort to prepare.
external: what about swimming in the back yard?
internal: still involves a lot of changing of clothes, and sunblock, and then much more clean up after the fact.  not interested.
external: you can't mope-your husband is coming home in 11 days.  where is your excitement and your need to clean?
internal: i don't know.  11 days seems like a long time.  pppllllllbbbbbttttttthhhhhhhh.

we then returned to the couch until dinner time.  at least tomorrow is a new day.  i do have to admit, the bubbles were close to a good time :)